The Bad and The Ugly

Cancer: The bad and the ugly. The word you never want to hear, the tough road you never want to have to walk down.
I was told today that the chance of my cancer coming back is greater than 50%. I don't like those odds one bit. When he said that I found myself back at that place where I was when I first found out I had the dreaded c-word. My stomach dropped and I immediately thought "oh my god, I am going to die". The truth is, we're all going to die. It's not death itself that I am scared of, it's not being able to watch my son grow up, have a family, become an amazing person that I am scared of. I want to be there the entire time, I don't ever want to have to be a past tense object. I don't want Elijah to have to say the words "my mom is dead".
Cancer or not, I will still eventually die, I just feel like things are going to end too soon. Even if I am 105 it will still be too soon.
Melanoma is a beast. It can go anywhere at anytime. It could go to my brain if it wanted, my liver, my heart, my stomach. It just goes. That's the really scary thing about this cancer, you can't determine your outcomes until it might already be too late.
I don't want to be a Debbie Downer and I am going to continue trying to be positive and telling myself that I will fight this and it will not come back. I'm lucky to be alive right now and every day that I get to spend with my son is another day that makes everything worth it.


Ida Mae said...

yes and yes..
keep positve Momma

~ida mae

A Baby Peach said...

UGH SHITTY!!!I'm so sorry to read this:(

ashley said...

i agree. stay positive. you do such a good job of this! elijah needs you to be emotionally stable and happy. but be sure to get treatment too!

Heidi J said...

I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you.

Jennifer Miller said...

My positive thoughts are going your way. Cancer is an evil bitch that needs to be stopped. My wonderful mother is currently undergoing chemo and I would never wish this on anyone.

http://www.thewellnesscommunity.org/ has offered amazing help, you should check out if they have anything in your area. They help patients, survivors and caregivers.

ps: Just found your blog and adore it.

Jessica Lyn. said...

Thank you everyone! I appreciate it!

@Jennifer - I'm sorry to hear your mother has to go through this terrible cancer crap too. She will be in my thoughts!

Thanks for the link, I will definitely check it out. And I am so glad you found my blog and adore it! I love to hear that people love it!

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