It's a tough time.

written on 2/12/10 but filed away for safe keeping

I realize this is a public outlet and that a lot of different people read my blog, but honestly, right now I don't care. It's my blog. If you don't want to read this entry, then don't. It might offend some people, and some people not agree with me going public about this, but again, it's my blog. I'm isolated and I have no friends that are close to me, so right now I have no other option. This is a cry for help, a cry for someone to understand or listen to me. A cry for someone to tell me it's going to be ok or that I am doing a great job. I need to hear it.
My husband and I are having problems. I'm not perfect, I do or say things I probably shouldn't do or say, but honestly, the fact that I have even remotely held it together this long is a miracle.
I have been through some shit in my life. Growing up was really hard. I don't want to get into that on here, but it was tough. From there I continued to go through some shit. My whole life. Shit, shit, shit. I used to sit there and cry and tell myself that it would get better one day, it had to. It was traumatizing, to say the least. From friends dying to getting raped. Shit. Shit. Shit.
It should be different. I should have that life that I always told myself I would have. It should be better. I should have a husband that comes home and tells me how much he appreciates me or that he knows I am going through a lot but it's ok. If I get irritated and call him an asshole he should bite his tongue and realize how much I am doing.
I am being a mother, a survivor of postpartum depression, and trying to beat cancer. I have anxiety and a lot of baggage from the past 26 years.
Instead I have a husband who tells me how crazy or miserable I am, or that I should kill myself or that he will see me in court and he will get custody because I am an 'unfit mother'. He instigates a situation further and then records a video of me and threatens to post it online for everyone to see. These are things no one should hear. A completely stable person would have a hard time swallowing those words, but then there's me. I am fragile. I am sad, depressed. All I care about is my son. I'm fucking scared shitless of cancer. I cry every time I think about it, not because I am scared of dying, but I am scared of not being there for my son.
I'm tired of not being heard, I am tired of being put down. I'm tired of not being respected and treated like a child.
I have no support. I'm isolated.


TheGirl said...

i know you, and you are doing a great job. you deserve to be heard.

in my marriage, let me tell you that we have our days, we have some bad fights, screaming, crying, throwing things kinds of fights, those things happen. my husband does not record that and try to use it against me later, because that is just wrong.
you deserve respect and gratitude, especially in your marriage!

Jen M said...

Oh Jessica, hang in there Sweetheart. You are doing the best you can with what is going on right now and that is all you can do. Stay strong for your little guy.

Anonymous said...

that is really sad to hear.

Wendy said...

You are so much stronger than you think---the fact that you've survived so very much, and continue to battle today---well, I admire your strength. Keep managing your anger to manifest that strength---that's where your answer will come from...And keep being that wonderful Mommy to your child---that love will help to keep you afloat during this difficult time because it's one of the blessings that have been bestowed upon you. Be strong. You've been through worse than this and you WILL survive...

The Jacobsen Family! said...

I am so sorry you are feeling this way right now. I cannot imagine what you are going through, nor will I try to pretend I do.
Please know that you are loved... Even when you don't feel like you are. When times are tough, it's hard to believe in anything. Hang in there. You have a son to fight for. Things will get better eventually. They may get worse before they get better, but they will get better.
I will be praying for you! If you feel like you need help, please find someone who can help you! Don't ever take it all upon yourself and become too overwhelmed. We all need someone...
Lots of virtual hugs coming your way!

shannon b said...

I am so glad that you had the courage to get that off of your chest. I hope that it made you feel a little better. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this really tough time. Cancer is scary! You should not have to go through it alone. Do they have a cancer society in the US? They may have some support groups around your area. Have you gone to talk to a therapist or counselor about your past? I think it would help a lot with your anxiety. You are not alone. There are people who do care about you! Please take care of yourself. Hugs

Nicole said...

Reading this made me cry. We have both been through a lot and both have a lot on our plates but you know I love you and will always be here for you.

I don't know everything that goes on at home for you, but regardless of what is going on no one needs to be recording anyone, or threatening anyone. If things really are that bad and he feels the need to do that maybe he should just leave.

You don't need this added stress in your life, you deserve the life you told yourself you'd have, and its up to you to make that happen. Some things are beyond your control (like cancer) but some things are not (like staying in a relationship if you shouldn't), so remember that, and make that life for yourself....

not saying you shouldn't stay in your relationship, only you can make that judgment, but if you know in your heart you shouldn't, then don't.

Anonymous said...

We don't know each other...but you said my son was cute on FB so I feel it is my duty to give you some cyber-love! :-) I was thinking about writing a blog about "Why I blog". And in that I think there is something very therapeutic about putting you feelings out there for people. Even with people who know you, blogging still gives you some veil of anonymity. It takes strength to put this out there for us. You are asking for help and that is good. I don't know your history, or your husband's. I do know that being a mom changes so much and husbands don't always get it. My hubbs and I are having a hard time getting back on track since my son was born, and there is no extra "shit" really. You need to use your son as a source of strength right now. You need to be strong for him...you need to be strong to beat cancer. You need to find someone you can TALK to, be it a therapist, a friend, a group...you need a physical person to TALK to. Be happy for the life you created and live for that life. Be happy that you are a MOM, I think it doesn't get any better than that. Be happy that you are a talented person who is able to stay home with her son and make a living off of your creativity. I don't know you, but I look at your pictures and I see so many things to be happy about, to be strong for. Use those things.

A Baby Peach said...

Oh man. :( I can't believe he is being like that and you are going through that! I had no idea when I read that on FB that HE had done that to YOU. What the eff????

FWIW, I admire and look up to you. I think what you're doing with your life and your son is great and coming here puts a smile on my face because I think "gosh, I wish I could be more like her". You're cool :)

You know where to find me, let me know if you ever want to chat even just by email or anything. You don't deserve what is going on. Have you guys thought about counseling? Is he always like that?

Mommy Bee said...

I'm so sorry. you're right, no one should have to hear those kinds of things. When one spouse is struggling is when the other spouse is supposed to step up and be extra supportive, not pull the rug out from under them.
I can appreciate the fear of leaving your child without anyone--I had a really scary miscarriage (lots of bleeding + ER trip) that had me wondering if I was dying for an hour or two...thankfully that was brief, but I can only imagine if it were an ongoing fear, a real and valid threat. You definitely deserve (need) a good support system. If you can't get it from your husband right now, then you need friends, siblings, church, something that can give that support.
I hope your clouds lead to a rainbow soon.

Ida Mae said...

Hey there.
I don't know you personally, but I am Kim's friend and she's mentioned you, directed me to your blog awhile ago.

I just want to say, I can totally understand and appreciate how scared you must be. I (unfortunately) know what those long nights are like. Thankfully not with my husband, and certainly not after having my son.. but those feelings never leave you. I truly hope that you can find a place to feel safe.

I hope you find that your feelings and thoughts are heard and respected, and I hope that you know you deserve this. You do..don't EVER let anyone tell you you don't.

And you will get through this.. I promise you, and you'll be even stronger for it.

Jessica Lyn. said...

Every single one of you made me cry. In a good way. Thank you.

I think I needed to hear all of that. Although I don't know most of you I am really grateful for all of you.

It's hard, this, all of this. Really hard.

Thank you for the support. I really appreciate it <3

Wendy said...

We don't need to know you to know what you're feeling...to wait forever for the shit to end, only to find it around the corner yet again. Yes, life can suck. Really suck. But hang on to the beauty, when you look into your sons eyes, when he wants a hug from his Mommy---those are the good parts. That love will keep you afloat. And that strength will protect you while you make the difficult decisions you need to change your life. Because you deserve happiness. And you're never alone...Just reach out, like you did today. And I'm so glad you did :)

Anonymous said...

Remember: There are two sides to every story.

ashley said...

although i don't know you, and we don't have much in common (other than our love for our babies and natural living!) i still wanted to let you know that you're not alone! your blog is inspiring, you are an absolutely amazing mama to eli and no one deserves to go through what you are experiencing. keep strong mama and know that there are lots of us out here who do care, even if it is from afar :-)

Beecher said...

I am so sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. You are such an inspiration as a mama to me, and I have a great admiration for you in that respect. I come here often because I feel like I can relate to you, like I have a lot in common with you. I wish I were closer- I'd have you over for tea and let you vent. You deserve for a partner to treat you with much more respect than it sounds as if yours is currently (from this post). You shouldn't have to deal with hateful partner on top of everything you are faced with right now. But that statement limits your options: you can either continue to deal with his behavior or you can do something about it.
Anyone who will tell a wonderful and obviously very caring mother such as yourself she is unfit is clearly deluded so I'm not suggesting you talk to him about it. It seems he is irrational and the last thing you need is more of that. So give him choices, keep a record of his actions, and reach out for help from someone who is close to you physically. A women's center should be able to give you respite- and at least advice. If nothing else, speaking to someone at a women's shelter will be a physical witness to your situation if you decide to leave him.
Recording you without your consent and deliberately provoking you to be upset on camera is abuse.
I am here if you need to talk. my email is (pshouseblog)at gmail

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