written on 2/12/10 but filed away for safe keeping
I realize this is a public outlet and that a lot of different people read my blog, but honestly, right now I don't care. It's my blog. If you don't want to read this entry, then don't. It might offend some people, and some people not agree with me going public about this, but again, it's my blog. I'm isolated and I have no friends that are close to me, so right now I have no other option. This is a cry for help, a cry for someone to understand or listen to me. A cry for someone to tell me it's going to be ok or that I am doing a great job. I need to hear it.
My husband and I are having problems. I'm not perfect, I do or say things I probably shouldn't do or say, but honestly, the fact that I have even remotely held it together this long is a miracle.
I have been through some shit in my life. Growing up was really hard. I don't want to get into that on here, but it was tough. From there I continued to go through some shit. My whole life. Shit, shit, shit. I used to sit there and cry and tell myself that it would get better one day, it had to. It was traumatizing, to say the least. From friends dying to getting raped. Shit. Shit. Shit.
It should be different. I should have that life that I always told myself I would have. It should be better. I should have a husband that comes home and tells me how much he appreciates me or that he knows I am going through a lot but it's ok. If I get irritated and call him an asshole he should bite his tongue and realize how much I am doing.
I am being a mother, a survivor of postpartum depression, and trying to beat cancer. I have anxiety and a lot of baggage from the past 26 years.
Instead I have a husband who tells me how crazy or miserable I am, or that I should kill myself or that he will see me in court and he will get custody because I am an 'unfit mother'. He instigates a situation further and then records a video of me and threatens to post it online for everyone to see. These are things no one should hear. A completely stable person would have a hard time swallowing those words, but then there's me. I am fragile. I am sad, depressed. All I care about is my son. I'm fucking scared shitless of cancer. I cry every time I think about it, not because I am scared of dying, but I am scared of not being there for my son.
I'm tired of not being heard, I am tired of being put down. I'm tired of not being respected and treated like a child.
I have no support. I'm isolated.