I talk about cancer a lot. I think I talk about it so much because it helps me release some of my fears and frustrations. Not a single day goes by that I don't cry at least once. I cry because I am scared of what's going to happen, I cry because I look at Elijah and I love him so much, I cry because I don't want Eli to ever have to go through what I am going through, I cry because I know he has an increased chance of having melanoma in his life because I had it, I cry because I think why me? Why did this have to happen to ME!?
I am jealous of people that aren't scared and can leave their house in a tank top without a second thought. I get mad when people I care about intentionally lay out in the sun or go to a salon for a tan. I want to scream at them, put them in my shoes for a few days to see how I feel. I can no longer enjoy a nice sunny day cause I'm too fucking scared to go outside. I am trying to plan my summer wardrobe around long sleeves, pants and hats. This tattoo that I was so excited about that I took the train to Providence with a friend for is ruined. Every day I look in the mirror and all I see is broken. Scars everywhere. I feel ugly, damaged goods.
I feel alone, lonely. All of my best friends that know and understand me are so far away, but they don't even understand what I am going through or how I am feeling. But they are there. They've always been a shoulder to cry on. I miss them so much, the friends that know saying "don't worry about it" or "don't be scared" isn't going to make it better.
My body got cancer and all I got was expensive hospital bills and a fear and depression that will never go away.
Part of me feels like I should keep telling myself I will get through it, but then part of me feels like I should prepare myself for the worst possible outcome.