4.26.2010

fuck cancer.

I talk about cancer a lot. I think I talk about it so much because it helps me release some of my fears and frustrations. Not a single day goes by that I don't cry at least once. I cry because I am scared of what's going to happen, I cry because I look at Elijah and I love him so much, I cry because I don't want Eli to ever have to go through what I am going through, I cry because I know he has an increased chance of having melanoma in his life because I had it, I cry because I think why me? Why did this have to happen to ME!?
I am jealous of people that aren't scared and can leave their house in a tank top without a second thought. I get mad when people I care about intentionally lay out in the sun or go to a salon for a tan. I want to scream at them, put them in my shoes for a few days to see how I feel. I can no longer enjoy a nice sunny day cause I'm too fucking scared to go outside. I am trying to plan my summer wardrobe around long sleeves, pants and hats. This tattoo that I was so excited about that I took the train to Providence with a friend for is ruined. Every day I look in the mirror and all I see is broken. Scars everywhere. I feel ugly, damaged goods.
I feel alone, lonely. All of my best friends that know and understand me are so far away, but they don't even understand what I am going through or how I am feeling. But they are there. They've always been a shoulder to cry on. I miss them so much, the friends that know saying "don't worry about it" or "don't be scared" isn't going to make it better.

My body got cancer and all I got was expensive hospital bills and a fear and depression that will never go away.

Part of me feels like I should keep telling myself I will get through it, but then part of me feels like I should prepare myself for the worst possible outcome.


Jessica

8 comments:

Maria said...

I don't have anything brilliant today but *hugs*. I'm one of those people who gets eyerolls because I'm always putting SPF 50 on my family and reapplying. :-) Sending eff cancer thoughts your way!!

Heidi J said...

*another virtual hug* I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you.

Traci66 said...

I came over via Tuesday Tag-Along and decided to follow you. I hope you will come see me. I am #4 Traci66 on Mr. Linky or http://traci66.blogspot.com I am lining up some reviews and giveaways from some various businesses, these will be starting soon. Maybe Monday. I hope you will come join me for some fun. Happy Tuesday.

Michelle Murphy said...

You are going through something really trying and scary. It's good that you feel empowered to express it. You have every right to be angry, I hope that your angry will wake some people up.
My sister has Melanoma. I go out of the house in tank tops with spf 70 on my skin because I'm scared.

ladcraig said...

I don't know if there is anything "right" to say, but I am so sorry that you are going through this. Sending good vibes your way.

mean green mom said...

Heres another ((hug)) for you - sending thougts of love and healing.

Twee Poppets said...

Hello! Thanks for tagging along this week at the Tuesday Tag-Along blog hop hosted by Twee Poppets! I'm a follower of your blog! :)

http://tweepoppets.blogspot.com

Lorna said...

I can't relate to cancer much, as I've never had it. However, if you have scars, I can possibly relate to that. I went through depression in my teen years and have cut myself quite a lot in the past. Yes, it's self inflicted, but afterwards I would look at my scars and think how awful it looked, and regretted it and felt ugly. I wore long sleeves for five years to cover them. But one day, I looked at a part of my body that I didn't cut and I thought to myself that I'd not looked at that part of me in so long. It was beautiful to me, and I also, in that moment, realised that my scars were permanent. They'd always be there. I considered laser treatment to remove them, or a cover up tattoo. But then I thought some more and thought that really, I was only considering those options to stop others judging me or staring. But then I thought to myself that I need to accept myself for who I am, and others need to do the same. If they can't see that I'm beautiful regardless, then they aren't worth knowing. Beauty is truly only skin deep and it's still something that I feel self-conscious about. But when I have those moments, I make an effort to wear short sleeves.

I know that it may be different for you, but I guess the only advise I can give is to learn to love your scars. I hope I've helped in some way, maybe!

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