It's Time For Dad to Be a Dad

Being a single mother to Eli means that I am essentially playing the role of two parents. It's really, really hard. My ex takes him at 7:00pm or 7:30pm every day and gives him back to me between 9:30pm and 10pm, depending on whether or not he's tired. In the time that he is taking care of him Eli usually comes back into the house once to nurse, so even on my "breaks" I don't really get a break.

In the sometimes 3 hours and sometimes less that I get per day I like to spend at least 1 hour of that unwinding and spending some "me" time which usually consists of eating dinner. The other 2 hours (or less) are devoted to working, but sometimes I need more me time since I get so little of it that work gets put off until my next 2 hours or less. Lately I have had a lot of work to do so I told the ex that he was going to have to watch him overnight one night during the week, and I don't think it's fair that he gets to go out until 5am while I am being a mom and comforting Eli back to sleep and trying to work but not being able to because my serger is SO LOUD that it will wake Eli up, that I told him he had to watch him all night tonight.

Well. Let's talk about the two whole times Eli has slept overnight in his dads apartment. The first time I got a bunch of texts saying Eli wouldn't sleep, wouldn't stop crying, it was too hot to swaddle him, he tried rocking him, etc, etc. I basically told him he needed to figure it out. I told him everything that I do while putting Eli to bed and it was up to him to figure out a solution.

The second night was this past Monday. It started out the same, with the texts, but they got worse this time. I got a text saying we shouldn't be changing Eli's sleeping arrangements, that he needs me. I told him it was fine, it's not too soon. Eli will be 1 in less than 2 weeks, if we wait any longer he might not ever get used to sleeping at dads sometimes. I was then told repeatedly how he was crying and wouldn't stop and that it wasn't him that needed to figure things out, it was Eli that needed to come back to me. I tried to explain, again, what he could try doing and was told, again, that he couldn't do these things for one reason or another I was then called selfish. Repeatedly. Selfish because I was making my child be uncomfortable, selfish because I need ONE NIGHT to do stuff that needs to get done. Then he more or less told me I was a bad mother and I told him I would talk to him in the MORNING when he brought Eli back to me. These texts that he was sending me pretty much ruined my night and I as getting them repeatedly for about 2.5 hours. Two and a half freaking hours.

So, am I a horrible mother? Am I selfish for wanting to WORK so I can make money for Eli and I to not even scrape by? I'm just tired of it. I'm constantly arguing with my ex to take Eli longer or overnight once or twice a week and that's exactly what it is, and argument, he never wants to do it and then when he does he whines about it the whole time and tries to guilt me for taking some time off.

So, what DO you do all day?

I can't stand the fact that there are still people who think stay at home moms sit on their butts all day watching television and eating bon bons. This isn't Married With Children, people. If you've never been a stay at home mom (or even a mother) then you have absolutely no idea how much work it is. Seriously. While being a stay at home mother is the most rewarding job that anyone can have we need to be cut some slack.

Every day I wake up tired from lack of sleep the night before. Why lack of sleep? Well, Elijah is a pretty good sleeper, but he still gets hungry at night, so I feed him. Sometimes he gets fussy and wakes up, so I comfort him back to sleep. My husband? Well, he gets uninterrupted sleep from whenever he goes to bed (usually around midnight) until sometimes 6, 7, or 8am. That's 6, 7, or 8 hours. I get broken sleep, and 5 hours straight is a good night.

So anyway, I wake up, tired. The rest of the day is not determined by me, it's pretty much up to Elijah. If he gets hungry, he eats. If he's tired, he takes a nap. Sometimes he doesn't nap at all, which means I don't get a break. When he does nap I try to do things like eat lunch, maybe shower if I think he's going to stay asleep long enough, or sometimes I just rest. When Elijah is awake it's a full day of me keeping him entertained. I play with him, sing and talk to him. Sometimes I can do something like wash some dishes or sweep the floor, sometimes I can't. A few times a week I usually have to make a post office run, like today. I go after Eli has napped and eaten so I don't have a fussy baby in tow. As soon as I get home from any errands we are both tired and need a break. A lot of times during the day Elijah just wants to be held all the time. If I put him in his exersaucer or bouncy thing in the doorway he will start fussing and want out. Now that Elijah is more mobile I am constantly chasing him around the house, so whatever I am doing gets interrupted about every 45 seconds so I can go grab him before he starts chewing on the vacuum/cat toy/dust ball.

Since I stay home all day with virtually no adult interaction aside from the internet in spurts and my quick errands to go get coffee or mail packages at the post office, well, I deserve a break. Anyone who stays home all day, isolated, will eventually go crazy, so if anyone ever tells me I don't "do anything" it really strikes a nerve.

Because Elijah is still exclusively breastfed and I practice attachment parenting means I have even less time in the day than stay at home moms who let their babies CIO, and those two things are non-negotiable for me.

Using a stay at home mom salary calculator I determined that my annual salary would be around $160,000. Here is a chart of the national low, median, and high:

It's a hard job, being a stay at home mom. Next time you think that one of us SAHM's don't "do anything" just remember that we are. Always. On call 24/7. I would (and every stay at home mom) would appreciate a "thanks for all your hard work" or "you do so much, I appreciate it" instead of a list of things that I need to do since I have so much free time.