Withdrawals

For the past week or so I have been tapering off of Zoloft. I was taking 150mg and went down to 100mg, then 50mg, then 25mg, and for the past two days I haven't taken any at all. I'll tell you, it's kicking my ass. I thought that Zoloft was working for me, and I'm sure it was helping depression somewhat, but it was having some adverse reactions lately (major irritability and anger). My psychiatrist told me that people who have bipolar tendencies have these kinds of reactions when on medications like Zoloft. The only medications that would help me are mood stabilizers, and unfortunately none of them are safe while breastfeeding. I'm going to just go the no medication route for a while and see if that will work out.
If I had known what coming off of these meds was going to be like then I don't know if I would have even wanted to ever start taking it.
My first symptom was this weird detached feeling in my head. I would feel slightly lightheaded and like my head was floating. It wasn't that bad, I thought that if that's all that was going to happen then I could deal. Then the dizziness started getting worse, I started occasionally feeling nauseous, and now I have full blown vertigo half the time, cold sweats and hot flashes, brain zaps (sudden intense pain on one side of my head), increased irritability, I've cried for no reason several times, I cry easier in general.
It's pretty intense, pretty shitty, and making being a mama during the day really hard.
Anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to make these symptoms not as harsh?

There's still a real woman behind this blog!

Whew! I feel like I've hardly been blogging aside from my reviews and giveaways. I suddenly got super, super busy so any "free" time is spent doing, well, nothing. Not only is my almost 8 month old son extremely mobile now (crawling everywhere, standing up while holding on to things and semi cruising!), but I have taken on a lot of extra stuff. I am working on a website for a farmers market in New Braunfels, sewing custom orders, sewing to keep my shop stocked, and also writing reviews. It's a lot! I don't even think I've showered in two days. 

I've been having quite the anxiety attack lately. A small, painful bump formed on the back of my neck just below my head. I'm pretty sure it is a lymph node. It's gone down in size and it's not as painful as it was the other day, so I am hoping it's just allergies or a cold or something, but I can't stop thinking it's cancer. For the rest of my life a bump, blemish, sore spot, headache, or any other ache or pain is going to automatically be cancer. Cancer head. It's unavoidable and it's making me anxiety ridden. I'm going to see a psychiatrist in March to get evaluated because the Zoloft that I am on for PPD doesn't seem to be working that well anymore. It works to some degree but I really think I need something different, and something that will hopefully help with my anxiety. I hate taking medication but right now I really have no choice, it's beyond my control.

I go to MD Anderson in Houston on March 1st for a follow up with blood work and a head, neck and chest ultrasound. Hopefully everything will turn out ok, but if it doesn't at least I can go to one of the best cancer hospitals. Excuse my language, but fuck cancer.

I've been looking into Buddhist meditation centers here in Austin. At this point I need to find some kind of spiritual path and I think meditation would be good for me. If I can learn to center myself and find peace then maybe all of this won't be so difficult to deal with. What do you do to calm yourself? Do you follow any kind of religion?

I've been desperately trying to get all of my diapers clean at the same time so I can take a photo of my stash. Maybe tonight will be the night (minus two)!

Postpartum depression.

Postpartum depression (PPD) is extremely common, yet it's not so commonly talked about. 10 to 15% of women will suffer from PPD. If you have had a history of depression or anxiety, if depression or anxiety run in your family, or stressful events during or after pregnancy you are at a higher risk for PPD. Some other things that also affect risk factor are age and social support.
With that being said I was high risk for PPD. I have suffered from anxiety and depression in the past, depression and anxiety run in my family, and cancer is a pretty stressful event.
So at my first postpartum visit I got a prescription for Zoloft. I started taking one pill a day and I was going to move up to two. Well, if you have ever had a newborn then you know how easy it is to forget stuff like taking a pill at the same time every night, or at all. I have always been bad with remembering to take medicine. So I kept forgetting to take it, and finally I felt like it would be better to just not take it then to keep forgetting it for a couple days then take one and repeat that process over and over.
A couple days went by and things slowly started to go downhill. I am not sure if the Zoloft was making a difference yet (I was taking a pretty low dose) or my depression was just starting. Whatever it was it was bad. I felt really angry, resentful, irritable, hopeless, worthless, overwhelmed. I would cry all the time, yell. I was just so ANGRY. Angry at the world, angry at myself, angry at my husband. There's no reason for it, and you can't make it stop and go away. It's just there.
So after a bad few days I finally went to go see a therapist and I started taking the Zoloft again. I scored extremely high on both the depression and anxiety checklists (of course I did. I am a textbook case of PPD right here!). The therapist put things into perspective for me. I would say something to her and she would tell me that it was the depression talking. Things started to make sense. I am not me all the time.
I felt fine this entire past week, then I upped my Zoloft dosage to two. I don't know if it was the change in my medication, or just how PPD works, but it started to affect me again. I guess it's normal to come in waves.
I am glad that I am not suffering from the disconnected symptoms. I have not had any trouble bonding with Elijah. The only person I want to consistently be around seems to be him.
I am not on the other side of this illness, so I have no idea how hard it is. What I do know is how important a support system is when you are suffering with PPD. If your significant other is going through this you need to be supportive. I can't stress enough that when a person is going though a depressive episode they are not themselves, don't take it personally and just be there for them. Getting angry and yelling back at someone who's going through an episode is only going to make things worse. I know it might be hard for some people to not react or take it personally, but this is an illness.
If you start to have any signs of PPD I urge you to seek out help immediately. It will eat you from the inside out. No one should have to suffer alone or without help. Just know that you are NOT alone too. There are so many women out there who are going through the same things that you are. It doesn't make you a bad mother, partner, wife or girlfriend. It's an illness and there is a way to overcome it. It won't get better overnight but with a good support system and professional help it will get better over time.