6.08.2009

No sleep for Jessica.

I couldn't sleep anyway, now I really can't. I hope I am freaking out for no reason. The dermatologist, the surgeon and the oncologist all felt my lymph nodes and they were not swollen.
About an hour or so ago I realized that my collar bone felt a little sore in one area so I felt it. Upon feeling it I felt a small, moveable lump. I immediately google searched and then freaked out. Apparently there is a lymph node there. My melanoma was right on the center of my chest. That's too close for comfort.
I woke Jason up and made him feel it. I have proceeded to not be able to sleep at all and just be absolutely and completely scared/freaked out/nervous.
This baby seriously, seriously needs to come. I have been trying to be strong, trying to not act scared, but the reality is that I am really fucking scared. I don't know how strong I can really be. I've got a lot on my plate right now and truthfully, I just want it all over. I want this baby out and I want this surgery done. At this very point right now I would probably say go ahead and induce me, right now. I don't have an appointment until the 17th though, and that's just a visit. I hate the fact that I feel that way. I also hate the fact that I cannot enjoy my last weeks of pregnancy but instead I want it over. I just want answers and I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to KNOW what is going on, and if it's bad news then I want to start treatment now because I want to move on and live my life.
Fuck.

2 comments:

Mrs. Goodson...Woo Hoo!! said...

I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now.....my thoughts & prayers are with you!

A Baby Peach said...

I'm so so sorry girl :( I feel horrible for you, this just sucks so much!!!

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