2.23.2010

There's still a real woman behind this blog!

Whew! I feel like I've hardly been blogging aside from my reviews and giveaways. I suddenly got super, super busy so any "free" time is spent doing, well, nothing. Not only is my almost 8 month old son extremely mobile now (crawling everywhere, standing up while holding on to things and semi cruising!), but I have taken on a lot of extra stuff. I am working on a website for a farmers market in New Braunfels, sewing custom orders, sewing to keep my shop stocked, and also writing reviews. It's a lot! I don't even think I've showered in two days. 

I've been having quite the anxiety attack lately. A small, painful bump formed on the back of my neck just below my head. I'm pretty sure it is a lymph node. It's gone down in size and it's not as painful as it was the other day, so I am hoping it's just allergies or a cold or something, but I can't stop thinking it's cancer. For the rest of my life a bump, blemish, sore spot, headache, or any other ache or pain is going to automatically be cancer. Cancer head. It's unavoidable and it's making me anxiety ridden. I'm going to see a psychiatrist in March to get evaluated because the Zoloft that I am on for PPD doesn't seem to be working that well anymore. It works to some degree but I really think I need something different, and something that will hopefully help with my anxiety. I hate taking medication but right now I really have no choice, it's beyond my control.

I go to MD Anderson in Houston on March 1st for a follow up with blood work and a head, neck and chest ultrasound. Hopefully everything will turn out ok, but if it doesn't at least I can go to one of the best cancer hospitals. Excuse my language, but fuck cancer.

I've been looking into Buddhist meditation centers here in Austin. At this point I need to find some kind of spiritual path and I think meditation would be good for me. If I can learn to center myself and find peace then maybe all of this won't be so difficult to deal with. What do you do to calm yourself? Do you follow any kind of religion?

I've been desperately trying to get all of my diapers clean at the same time so I can take a photo of my stash. Maybe tonight will be the night (minus two)!

Jessica

6 comments:

ashley said...

you must have quite a stash by now, i'm excited to see it! i've been super busy too (why i haven't responded to the beautiful blogger award but i am going to do it - and soon! thank you so much for nominating me, by the way :-)) and am trying to figure out how to balance med school (even if it is only part time this semester and i know the worst is yet to come...) and spending time with edie.
i definitely struggle with anxiety too, especially when i have exams looming on the horizon and the house is a disaster (which, i admit pales in comparison to cancer but for some reason i still let it affect me...). i find what helps center me the best is just holding/snuggleing/nursing/playing with edie for 15 minutes and really and truly focusing on nothing but her and how amazing she is. it just helps remind me what is really important and reminds me to be in the moment. i tend to live too much in my head and think/worry too much about the future or what i should be doing with my time instead of looking at the beautiful child in front of me and drinking her in every second.
speaking of that i'm going to go to bed and snuggle her since it's 2 and i have classes tomorrow!
~ashley

Banana Bottoms said...

Hi Jessica,

I read your blog off and on and am amazed at your strength! You certainly have a lot going on. When I am feeling stressed/overwhelmed I go for walks or runs. I find the exercise lets me get out my frustration and gives me energy to carry on. I also take a yoga class which I find extremely relaxing.

I hope you find something that will give you some peace.

TheGirl said...

i meditate when i can find the time, something I have been doing since i was 12 when i became buddhist. It can make a huge difference in your calmness. also, excersize, just walking a few miles with the baby, keeps me centered and sane.

i laughed when i read about taking a pic of your stash, i have been trying to do the same thing for a few days now, everytime i think i am ready, we seem to go through like 4 more diapers and it's blown. maybe we will wear a sposie for a few hours while i take pictures, how selfish lol
can't wait to see your stash

TheGirl said...

i meditate when i can find the time, something I have been doing since i was 12 when i became buddhist. It can make a huge difference in your calmness. also, excersize, just walking a few miles with the baby, keeps me centered and sane.

i laughed when i read about taking a pic of your stash, i have been trying to do the same thing for a few days now, everytime i think i am ready, we seem to go through like 4 more diapers and it's blown. maybe we will wear a sposie for a few hours while i take pictures, how selfish lol
can't wait to see your stash

Ida Mae said...

like all of us (haha) I, too, have battled anxiety and depression. I had some pretty scary nights that I am happy I can say are in my past, but they never go away from your memories.

I had some pretty messed up stuff happen to me in 2004 and needed to bail on MA, I decided to help my parents move across the country to a ranch in Northern Arizona. I quit all sugar on the ride across the country.. flushed out my system. I also stopped taking my Celexa for my depression adnd anxiety when the script ran out.

I jogged every morning with my puppy, stopping when ever I was out of breath or too tired (which was frequent!!) and just walked around in nature enjoying the beauty of where I was at. Eventually I added yoga and meditation at the end of my jogs. I completely turned my anxiety around, and found strength in myself. (Oh yeah, I repeated a mantra when I jogged..kind of imprinted it in my brain. I said it over and over until it was true, it works!)

I truly hope you find something that works for you.

Heidi J said...

I'm a Christian. I've always found it comforting to believe that God is there, someone much bigger than me who loves me and who is looking out for me. While that doesn't mean that bad or scary things won't happen to me, it does mean that I don't go through them alone. Especially when I've gone through rough patches in my life, I've found prayer and Bible reading really helpful. Many of the Psalms in particular are beautiful moving poetry about God's love, like Psalm 30 and Psalm 139.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine how hard it must be. I'll be praying for you.

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