We all have bad weeks, this one just happens to be mine. First of all, my shoulder, arm, and neck have been in severe pain. I've been in pain ever since my surgery, but it's been pretty bearable. Sometimes I would just try to rest, sometimes take some tylenol or ibuprofen, but the past couple of days nothing has been working. I'm tough, things hurt me, but it's nothing I can't usually handle. To give you an idea of my pain tolerance: I have a lot of tattoos in painful places like my ribs and my chest and I gave birth without any drugs. Now I'm not saying that stuff didn't hurt me, cause it did, but I was bearable. This shoulder and neck pain has become UNbearable. I called my doctor yesterday and started crying. They called me in some pain medication and I am going in to see him tomorrow (for a doctors visit that I cannot afford). I hate pain medication, but last night was the first night in a long time where I was relieved from pain.
Next up was my wonderful night "off". I told my ex that he would have to take Eli overnight once a week so I could get some work done and do things that I needed to do. One night a week isn't much, especially considering I have done all night parenting and putting to bed for the past 11.5 months. The schedule now gives me 2.5 - 3 hours per night and 12 hours total on the weekends. On the weekdays when I am baby free I like to spend a little time relaxing and maybe even eating dinner which leaves me very little time to actually do work. Once I get Eli back for the night I put him to bed (if he will go) and I try to do as much work as possible, but what I can do is limited while Eli is asleep (can't use the serger, it's really loud. Have to keep stopping what I am doing and get Eli back to sleep if he wakes up, etc). So, I am basically doing full time work with about 15 hours per week to do it. Not enough. Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked here. I gave my ex some pumped milk, oatmeal, and coconut milk for an emergency if he runs out of breastmilk. He had swaddle blankets and diapers. He basically had everything, and more, that you need to put a baby to bed for the night. Well, my "night off" as ruined by incessant texts telling me that he wouldn't stop crying, wouldn't sleep, it wasn't him it was Eli, it's not the right time to change his sleeping arrangements. I was called selfish and a bad mother. I basically told him he needs to learn how to night parent. I told him what I do that works (swaddling rocking, etc.) and I was told he couldn't swaddle cause it's too hot (even though the a/c was on) and that he did rock him and it did nothing. I told him he just needs to figure it out and it's not easy. Then the guilt trip began. Apparently I am not supposed to, or allowed to take a night off. I honestly don't know where I am going to pull this magic time from to get all the things done that I need to do.
Then finally, the straw that broke the camels back. I sat don last night ready to do a lot of work, even though I was feeling funny from pain medication and stressed out beyond belief. I needed to re-thread my serger because the upper looper unthreaded. So I re-threaded it. Then I tried to serge. The lower looper unthreaded. Ok. I re-threaded the lower looper about 5 times (which is a huge pain in the ass, if you have ever threaded a serger before then you know what I mean). I finally realized that the 2 discs that hold the tension of the thread were broken and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I don't even know how it happened. I emailed Brother but I know that it would be weeks and weeks before I saw a repair or a new machine and I don't even have DAYS. I checked my bank account and paypal, not enough to cover a serger. I made the mistake of asking the ex if I could just use his credit card and pay him back, which I got reamed a new a-hole for and I was told again how selfish I am. Cool, ex, cause I need you to put me down constantly. Cause I don't have enough shit going on in my life. It's pretty funny that he thinks he is just hurting me by doing what he's doing, when in reality he is hurting his son too. Really, really sad. Anyway, I was freaking out. I listed some baby carriers for sale on facebook and craigslist. After a lot of crying and arguing with the wonderful ex, I got a call from a mama saying she would buy me a replacement serger. I was floored. I started crying. I forget that people can be caring and nice because all I deal with is my ex who is the complete opposite. I asked her if she was really, really sure and she said yes. So this mama (who I don't want to name just in case she doesn't want to be named) bought me a new serger. I want to tell her again thank you so much. You are an amazing woman and I am going to make that baby of yours a bunch of cute stuff, and I won't take no for an answer!
Now this week is looking up. I can continue to work, which is a good thing. Tomorrow I will hopefully get some answers regarding all the pain that I am in (and hopefully switch my PET scan to Austin too).
I want to end this on a positive note so I want to tell you about Eli's new accomplishments! He will be turning 1 in less than 2 weeks now (crazy!) and he's started saying mama and walking! My little boy is growing up too fast.